So here I am at 4:30 in the morning-unable to sleep. I tried watching some mindless television, then read a book, talked to the Lord and then surfed the web. I decided this could be a good opportunity to catch up on my blog. I must confess, I have been really bad at this. I apologize for those of you-who have waited daily for some new bit of wisdom imparted from this site (okay the only person who checks it is my mom) but nonetheless-I will try to catch you up on life these last few months.

Back in March I studied for and took the social work clinical exam. For those of you outside the field of social work-this is a big deal. It is the culmination of 6 years of college, 3 years post graduate school work, licensure as a master level social worker, and two years supervision of clinical work. I was not confident that I would pass this test-but grace abounds and here I am now an LCSW. What does this mean for my future and career? I don’t know. I feel that I’m currently having a “career crisis”. I have worked the past three years in the local community mental health center-and let me just say that it can be tough. The burn out rate in this profession is high and I’m feeling quite “toasty”. I’m praying about God’s direction in my career choices. I’ll post more later (I know your thinking “sure you will-like 6 months later”) on my passion as a social worker.

In April the Bethel Womens ministry hosted a retreat. Let me just say first off that we know how to “retreat” and have a great time. The theme of our retreat was “This is my Story”. Different women from our ministry team along with my mom (who came from St. Louis with my sister and their friends) shared personal stories of how God had worked in our lives. I shared the first night about my story being one of someone who was “waiting”. I spoke about Anna who waited her whole life for the redeemer and to proclaim his birth. I shared our struggle with growing our family and the pain of loss and “waiting” on God to answer our prayers. Sharing with these ladies was difficult for me-being vulnerable and putting myself out there-but God is so faithful and I walked away feeling satisfied that I had honored him and that my loss and pain had purpose because I was able to Glorify my Father. A special gift was hearing my mom share her story. My mom has faced much adversity and more than her share of grief and loss-but she has lived the life of one who truly trusts her Lord. Her story is a post all of it’s own-I’ll get to that one too-very soon!

When I originally started writing this blog-part of my intention was to chronicle our journey to grow our family as Brandon and I deal with secondary infertility. I had read many blogs of women going through this same battle and was encouraged by their thoughts, feelings and openness. I must confess that right now I’m just not in a place to do that. I’m not sure why-may be it is self protection-but I (we) feel fiercely private right now about where we are. I will say that we are still praying and seeking God’s will for our family-we are still seeking the wisdom of our reproductive endocrinologist, and we are still “waiting”. We covet the prayers of God’s people for us-and you can pray with the assurance that He knows exactly where were at and what we need.

Ella finished the 1st grade-with straight A’s at that. She is growing up way too fast. I have prayed for so long that she would have more confidence and all of a sudden she now appears to be a little braver and more independent. It’s an answer to prayer-but at the same time difficult to see her growing up and needing me less. Oh the irony of motherhood. Your goal is to help them grow, feel safe enough for independence and yet your heart wants to hold them close and pray that time stands still.

It is now summer time and I have the privilege of being off for the summer and spending the days with Ella. We have a lot of fun-we try to go to the water park weekly; we build forts in the living room; yesterday we got out the Easy Bake Oven and she whipped up some sugar cookies. Brandon seems to enjoy the slower pace of the summer and my ability to cook more, clean more and in general my not asking for so much of his assistance with these things. I must admit I enjoy having the time to take care of he and Ella without the stress of a full time job. Makes it awfully difficult to go back to work come August. We have enjoyed a quick trip over to Branson, a full week of VBS, volunteering in Bethel’s food pantry every week, and countless play dates. We are looking forward to a week long vacation (a first for us) at the beach in August. Summer has been flying by and I’m trying to hang on to each moment-God has been faithful to us and Life is Sweet!

Brandon and I began trying to have our first child in 2001. We struggled for many months and one day in October we recieved some really bad news from our OBGYN regarding our fertility “health”-we were devastated. That same night we went over to Robin and Kevin’s house (Brandon’s brother and his wife) – we, along with Brandon’s parents, were invited over so they could tell us that -SUPRISE- they were having a baby! Robin and Kevin love us dearly and we’re equally crazy about them. They were compassionate and loving to us and while we were hurting. We couldn’t help rejoice in God’s gift to them.

A few short weeks later we would find out we too were expecting a precious baby. Robin and I enjoyed being pregnant together, but I’m sure neither one of us knew what God had in store for us! Emma was born in April and Ella was born in July, three months apart. “Emma and Ella,” it doesn’t get much sweeter than that (well throw in a little Carter and it gets a lot sweeter)! This past weekend, Robin and Kevin and kids traveled down to see us – a sacrifice in and of itself! The relationship that Ella and Emma enjoy is a rare find. They play together like no one else. They don’t fuss or get “tired” of each other. They demonstrate such love for each other and knowing that this was God’s plan all along is sweet confirmation of His love to our families! Carter is three and he is an absolute “cuddle bug”. He loves on his Aunt Angie, even though we only get to see each other a few times a year. I love him… A LOT!

Here are a few pics of these sweet cousins!

This past Saturday I had the opportunity to attend a “Women Reaching Women” training event put on by Lifeway with 6 other ladies from Bethel who are deeply committed to our women’s mninistry. We had a great time traveling to Fort Smith  and spending the day with each other. When I got home and began to tell Brandon a few of the things I learned and what “impacted” me; he immiedately said “you need to blog your take-away’s” so here we go: my take-away’s-

Women’s Ministry isn’t about filling up the calender. I’m sure we have been guilty of planning events so we can say “were busy, were doing things, look at our calender”. We were challenged to consider the needs of the women in our church and seek to provide opportunities to meet those needs.

Involving the uninvolved is more about identifying real “felt needs” of women and being able to look past the percieved barriers to their involvement. Many times women may feel uncomfortable, shy, insecure and just need one person to personally invest in them, sit by them, call them during the week. Each week at Bethel there are more and more faces that are unfamiliar to me. This is hard and sometimes it’s easy just to say “well you can’t know everyone”, but I feel more convicted to invest a little more of myself into reaching out to those “unfamiliar” faces instead of gravitating to my “comfort” zone of girlfriends. Jesus Christ is in it-He consistantly reached out to people on the “fringe”!

Finally, the most important thing I can do to be an effective leader in women’s ministry is stay in the Word. We heard from an incredible woman of faith, Karen Doyel. Karen shared about digging deeper into the Word of God. She was inspiring, sharing her testimony of God’s faithfullness to her and her family. I so often get bogged down in the “study” of God’s word as if I’m reading a difficult textbook that I’m trying to decipher. Karen renewed the idea in me that God’s word is an ongoing conversation He is trying to have with ME! When Karen picks up her Bible she says “what”? What do you have to say to me Lord?

I love working with women. I’m excited about what God is doing at Bethel and the creative, committed women I get to serve alongside. But most importantly I’m ever reminded that I will struggle and fail to connect with women and draw them to the Heart of God, when I’m not daily in God’s Word, seeking the Father in prayer and being satisfied in Him alone! I struggle with confidence in this area of ministry; however I’m taking the Father at His word-

Being confident in this very thing, that He which has begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ.-Phillipians 1:6

Just thought I’d share my husbands blog and thoughts on infertility. He’s a awesome father and support to me and I thank God for him and his passion for being a spiritual leader in our home. I’m most thankful that he “gets it”! Worth the read!

Here’s the link.

Well yesterday afternoon in Northwest Arkansas it began to “ice” and it has not stopped yet. We are covered in ice-it almost looks like snow-but don’t be fooled-its the hard stuff. Of course I was super excited yesterday at the prospect of school being out and being “shut in” for a day-but I believe I got more than I bargained for-we may be shut in for a few days. Many around here are without power and heat-were thankful we still have electricity.

This present state of nature reminds me of one of my favorite songs entitled “Every Season” by Nicole Nordeman. The song describes how our journey in this life with the Lord is constantly changing. Our experiences with infertility have left me feeling stuck in a perpetual state of winter. Frozen and dead-with no new growth or life. Christ’s nature proves that even in death new life can enter-and just like winter melts away and spring brings forth new life-this season in our lives will pass and Christ’s purpose will be revealed. Here is the ending of this great song-

And everything in time and under heaven
Finally falls asleep
Wrapped in blankets white, all creation
Shivers underneath
And still I notice you
When branches crack
And in my breath on frosted glass
Even now in death, You open doors for life to enter
You are winter

And everything that’s new has bravely surfaced
Teaching us to breathe
What was frozen through is newly purposed
Turning all things green
So it is with You
And how You make me new
With every season’s change
And so it will be
As You are re-creating me
Summer, autumn, winter, spring

Stay warm my friends, enjoy the wonder of God’s creation-blanketed in ice, curl up by the fire and reflect on the sweetness of God!

On October 29 of last year our Ella began her journey and walk with the Lord when she made the decision to accept him as her Savior. Her life is forever changed by that choice and I rejoiced not only as her mother, but as a sister in Christ. Tomorrow Ella will be baptized. Her heart is tender towards the things of God, but she is anxious and fearful about being “dunked” under the water. Brandon has the blessed privelage of baptizing his baby girl, and I pray as Ella takes this step she will find comfort in her daddy’s arms and her Father’s faithfullness. Please pray for her-that she will be at peace. We keep reciting “what time I am afraid I will trust in thee”.

I reflect back tonight on the goodness of God to Ella. She has been a healthy child-O praise you father for protecting her small body-your mercy rains. She has a sound mind-well in fact-she’s brilliant! Our sweet friend Clint Puryear used to always say “she’s a genius”. Ella delights in school and in learning. She’s also very creative-constantly drawing/coloring and making things-we could fill rooms with her artwork. I pray Father she is a life long learner-not only to expand her mind, but especially a student of your Word. Help me father to teach her. I pray she finds creative ways to serve you in ministry. Ella is sweet to her friends. She has always been and continues to be extremely shy-still hiding behind my back when others speak to her; in spite of this she finds joy in her relationships with her little friends at church and school. I pray she will pursue you Father with a red hot passion-that she will never hide from you. Guide her relationships, Lord-lead her to others who seek to find your favor. One of Ella’s best qualities is her sweet nature. She laughs readily and is quick to show compassion and love. She’s not perfect, after all she is the product of man-sinful nature and all-but she has begun her walk with Christ and is growing in her knowledge of  Him. We are trying to train her up Father in the way she should go, when she is old may she not depart from it. Continue to make yourself known to her, protect her and comfort her. May her life bring only Honor and Glory to you. May I give her wholly to you!

“Great is the Lord and most worthy of praise; his greatness no one can fathom. One generation will commend your works to another; they will tell of your mighty acts”.  Psalms 145: 3-4

I am usually super prompt about taking down the Christmas tree after the Holiday’s. I usually wait till after New Years day and then all the Christmas decor is packed back up until the next year; however, this year I’m struggling to tear it all down. I’m not sure if its out of business, laziness or my affection for lighted faux pine but I’m just not ready.

I didn’t post over the Holiday-mostly because I’m so new to this I kinda forgot I had a blog-and because we were kinda busy. We traveled back to Missouri to my folks house and had a great time with Ella’s Nana and Papa and my sister and her family.  My mom goes out of her way to make the holiday’s magical for everyone.  Brandon and I even got to sneak away to see a movie as we had “free” babysitters!

The new year is now upon us. Brandon and I have come to the end of another year where little has changed in our quest to “grow” our family. This past spring we dealt with another heartbreaking loss when I miscarried. We underwent continued fertility treatment with no success and struggled to know what the next step should be. God’s great gift to us in times of despair has always been and continues to be-HOPE!

We can begin this new year with a renewed hope and zeal that God will answer our prayers-maybe not in the way we have planned-but we can rest assured that His purposes will be fulfilled and that our “light affliction” is only for a moment and God will receive the Glory!

I’ll post more about Christmas (pictures included) at a later date.

Happy New year!

Let me just start out by saying I love my friends! Since moving to Bentonville almost three years ago, God has blessed us with amazing friends. We have close friends that we are able to spend countless hours with and not get on each other’s nerves. Our children play great together and we are like minded in our committment to Christ. It’s a beautiful thing!

This weekend we took a short “jaunt” over to Branson with the Chadd family for some fun and relaxation. We spent Friday night at Silver Dollar City, looking at all the lights. Brandon even rode a roller coaster (not really-”fire in the hole” is only considered a roller coaster by 5 year old’s and Brandon). That night Terri and I closed down Kohl’s at midnight and the next day we continued our Christmas shopping. It was an enjoyable weekend.

Here are some pics of our short but sweet weekend in the Ozarks.

Some time ago, my tech savvy husband, obtained this domain name for me and set up this blog. He has great confidence that I have wisdom to impart across the world wide web. I’m not sure I agree with him, but felt it could be a great outlet and positive way to share with friends and family the “goings on” of the Cox household.

I thought Thanksgiving day would be a great “first post” to focus on the goodness of God in our lives. We are spending this holiday in St. Louis with my family and heading off to rural Missouri to spend the day with the Briggs family (my mom’s side of the family). We started this tradition two years ago after my Grandma Briggs passed away and wanted to honor her life by cotinuing to come together and love each other. This Thanksgiving also marks two years since our ectopic pregnancy and our struggle with infertility. I would not have guessed two years ago that we would still be at this place and yet am able to find amazing peace with where God has led us.

I am thankful for the Father’s continued faithfulness in our lives. I’m thankful for my sweet daughter, Ella Grace. I’m thankful for a wonderful godly husband. I hope through this blog to share our struggles through infertility, our journey in ministry (at Bethel Church), joys from our family and life, but most importantly to focus on the goodness of God and give glory and honor to Him.

“The Lord has done great things for us and we are filled with Joy” Psalm 126:3