You might think that after waiting for some time to have more children that we would have a long list of names already to choose from. This is not the case. Dreaming of babies, and nurseries and names was simply too painful. I’m not a “cart before the horse” type girl-at least I haven’t been in this arena. So once we found out we were pregnant, we began to throw around a few ideas. Of course, Ella Grace, had plenty of opinions too. After we found out we were having a boy (yes a boy-I have a lot to learn about “little men”!) we began to get a little more serious about this challenge.

We have only considered one little boy name from the beginning. We would continue to throw out ideas and nothing “struck” our hearts the way this name had. We couldn’t get away from it, and therefore new that our son’s name would be – Samuel.

Brandon and I believe that a name carries great meaning. We named Ella after my precious Grandma Briggs. My grandma was one of the sweetest, loving women I have ever known. She loved unconditionally and delighted in her children and grandchildren. She loved her Lord and demonstrated a servant’s heart. Ella’s middle name is Grace. We wanted her name to be a constant reminder to us and her of God’s unmerited favor toward us-of His great gift of love. God showed us unbelievable grace when he gave us Ella.

Samuel means “asked of God”. If there was a name that meant “begged, pleaded, cried, and asked of God” we would probably go with that. But “asked of God” also summarizes our feelings. Of course in the Bible Hannah dealt with infertility and prayed before the Lord faithfully asking God for a child, promising to give that child back to the Lord. God heard her prayers and petitions as He has ours and gave her a son – she named him Samuel. This name and it’s meaning sits heavy within us as we feel the weight of God’s goodness to us. Samuel will never be “just a name” to us-but a constant reminder of God’s faithfulness.

In the Bible, Hannah did indeed give her child back to God and took him to Shiloh to the tabernacle where Eli, the High Priest, raised him. Samuel heard, heeded and followed the voice of God. Our prayer for our Samuel is that he will always listen for the voice of the Lord. We are beyond excited about what God has planned for this “little man”.

Samuel’s middle name will be David after my big brother who died when I was 15 years old. Since that time I have always known if I had a little boy I would want to remember my brother in this way. This is a popular idea in my family as we are expecting a new nephew-David Kirk-in February (my twin brother’s son). My mom and I have laughed over how “silly” my brother David would think it was that were naming our baby after him. I can just hear him laughing that “crazy” laugh of his, telling us to get a life and find our own name

Beyond simply honoring my big brother-the name David has greater significance for me. Through the last few years, I have clung to the verse from Job that says, “The Lord gave and the Lord hath taken away, blessed be the name of the Lord.” When we underwent our first pregnancy loss/ectopic pregnancy I felt like I had “lost” so much; our baby, part of my reproductive health, and my sweet Grandma Briggs died the same week-and due to my surgery I was unable to honor her life with the rest of my family. I remember standing in the shower, weeping and singing the praise song “he gives and takes away, he gives and takes away, and still my heart will say, blessed be your name”. The Lord has given Samuel David, the Lord took away my big brother David-and still I will say, Blessed be the name of the Lord!

After we found out it was a boy-we took Ella to “Build a Bear” and she made Samuel his first stuffed animal and named him “George”.

Okay, settle in-this is going to be a long post and it has been a long time coming. We announced a few weeks ago and have gradually been telling the world-were expecting a baby! I wanted to take the opportunity to give all the glory to our Lord for what He has done in our lives. I have shared in the past about our struggle to grow our family. We have been trying to have another child for the last 4 years. We have experienced loss and repeated disappointed and began pursuing fertility treatments in Tulsa over 2 years ago. while we have been hopeful that “modern medicine” could change our situation our “hope” has never been in the doctors or the treatments-our hope has been and remains in the Lord.

This past spring, Brandon and I began praying about moving forward with In- Vitro Fertilization. This was a scary prospect to us for many reasons: to emotionally invest ourselves in another fertility treatment, the physical toll for me, and the financial strain. As we prayed we began to feel a peace to move forward. As the summer approached we made the final decision and began the process. A few days before we were to begin the injections-I began to panic (unfortunately, I’m really good at second guessing myself and God). We decided to make a quick trip to St. Louis to visit my family to seek the godly council and comfort of my family. The first day of our visit, I alone in the house, began to pray and completely broke before the Lord. I was scared and anxious, and grieving over the very idea that I was having to make this decision. I very clearly told the Lord “if you were ever going to talk to me in an audible voice or send me a talking donkey, today is the day”!

I did not get my talking donkey-the Lord very clearly spoke to my heart in a much better way (although painful at first). That night as my family and I sat laughing and talking in the living room, my “older” sister began to cry-before she said anything I knew what she was going to say-she was very “suprisingly” pregnant and devastated for her little sis. Before I could fully process this shock-my mom gently told me that my sister-in-law was also expecting (and equally hurting for me) and they were due on the same day. “What? I said a talking donkey, not two pregnant sisters!”

My mom, sister and myself experienced a tough few hours that night, crying and holding each other. I love the way my family loves me. They are tender and compassionate and yet my mom is a real “truth” teller in my life. That night I wrote in my journal the verse from Psalms “I would have despaired had I not believed I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord, be of good courage, wait I say on the Lord.” God also reminded me very clearly, only the way a compassionate father could, “You don’t get to make these decisions, I am God and you are not”. Oh the sovreignty of God!

Brandon and I returned home, at peace with our decision to move forward with IVF. It’s important to know that we did not press on because we felt secure that this would work, we pressed on regardless of the outcome. One of the lessons we have learned on this journey is that it’s not always about the outcome (because there are no assurances)-its about our willingness to be obedient regardless of the outcome.

As we began the daily injections, many pills, and multiple trips to Tulsa, God was faithful to keep our hearts at peace. At one point during the process after returning from Tulsa where they checked my follicles to make sure I had “plenty” that were growing at the right rate-the office called and stated we needed to stop the cycle because my body was not responding the way it needed to. Here’s how good God is-I did not feel anxious. I calmly told them they were wrong. The nurse was compassionate and tried to “let me down easily”. I begged her to let us come back the next day and check me again-she relented. The next day, the doctor was shocked (we were not) I was fine and we would continue with the IVF cycle.

Let me share one more detail regarding our IVF journey. Our fertility center is very proficient at what they do-having said that-we were another number. They work with over 50 couples during each IVF cycle. On the day we returned to have our “embryo” babies transferred (put in the uterus)-God showed up in a very real way. As I lay in the operating room, I was very anxious. A nurse whom I had never met before was busy preparing things. She was humming a song and very cheerful. She walked over to me and sweetly laid her hands on my abdomen. She quietly began to pray for our embryo’s, for my womb, and for God’s blessing on our family. I of course wept, she closed her prayer, began to hum again and go about her work. Her only explanation for this unexpected “act” was “I know the doctor doesn’t always think of these things”. The very presence of God was in that operating room-I knew it was no coincidence that our paths crossed on that Saturday in Tulsa.

We found out two weeks later that God had heard our cries and answered our petition. We have had 3 ultrasounds and heard our precious baby’s heartbeat several times. We are now out of the first trimester and praising God each day for his goodness to us. We are undeserving and have committed to giving God glory for this gift every opportunity we have.

I am learning every day to depend on God. A verse from Isaiah says this, “I will give you the treasures of darkness and hidden riches of secret places, that you may know that I am God”. In darkness and in the secret places of my own heart God has shown himself to be true, faithful and full of mercy.

Pictures to come.

So here I am at 4:30 in the morning-unable to sleep. I tried watching some mindless television, then read a book, talked to the Lord and then surfed the web. I decided this could be a good opportunity to catch up on my blog. I must confess, I have been really bad at this. I apologize for those of you-who have waited daily for some new bit of wisdom imparted from this site (okay the only person who checks it is my mom) but nonetheless-I will try to catch you up on life these last few months.

Back in March I studied for and took the social work clinical exam. For those of you outside the field of social work-this is a big deal. It is the culmination of 6 years of college, 3 years post graduate school work, licensure as a master level social worker, and two years supervision of clinical work. I was not confident that I would pass this test-but grace abounds and here I am now an LCSW. What does this mean for my future and career? I don’t know. I feel that I’m currently having a “career crisis”. I have worked the past three years in the local community mental health center-and let me just say that it can be tough. The burn out rate in this profession is high and I’m feeling quite “toasty”. I’m praying about God’s direction in my career choices. I’ll post more later (I know your thinking “sure you will-like 6 months later”) on my passion as a social worker.

In April the Bethel Womens ministry hosted a retreat. Let me just say first off that we know how to “retreat” and have a great time. The theme of our retreat was “This is my Story”. Different women from our ministry team along with my mom (who came from St. Louis with my sister and their friends) shared personal stories of how God had worked in our lives. I shared the first night about my story being one of someone who was “waiting”. I spoke about Anna who waited her whole life for the redeemer and to proclaim his birth. I shared our struggle with growing our family and the pain of loss and “waiting” on God to answer our prayers. Sharing with these ladies was difficult for me-being vulnerable and putting myself out there-but God is so faithful and I walked away feeling satisfied that I had honored him and that my loss and pain had purpose because I was able to Glorify my Father. A special gift was hearing my mom share her story. My mom has faced much adversity and more than her share of grief and loss-but she has lived the life of one who truly trusts her Lord. Her story is a post all of it’s own-I’ll get to that one too-very soon!

When I originally started writing this blog-part of my intention was to chronicle our journey to grow our family as Brandon and I deal with secondary infertility. I had read many blogs of women going through this same battle and was encouraged by their thoughts, feelings and openness. I must confess that right now I’m just not in a place to do that. I’m not sure why-may be it is self protection-but I (we) feel fiercely private right now about where we are. I will say that we are still praying and seeking God’s will for our family-we are still seeking the wisdom of our reproductive endocrinologist, and we are still “waiting”. We covet the prayers of God’s people for us-and you can pray with the assurance that He knows exactly where were at and what we need.

Ella finished the 1st grade-with straight A’s at that. She is growing up way too fast. I have prayed for so long that she would have more confidence and all of a sudden she now appears to be a little braver and more independent. It’s an answer to prayer-but at the same time difficult to see her growing up and needing me less. Oh the irony of motherhood. Your goal is to help them grow, feel safe enough for independence and yet your heart wants to hold them close and pray that time stands still.

It is now summer time and I have the privilege of being off for the summer and spending the days with Ella. We have a lot of fun-we try to go to the water park weekly; we build forts in the living room; yesterday we got out the Easy Bake Oven and she whipped up some sugar cookies. Brandon seems to enjoy the slower pace of the summer and my ability to cook more, clean more and in general my not asking for so much of his assistance with these things. I must admit I enjoy having the time to take care of he and Ella without the stress of a full time job. Makes it awfully difficult to go back to work come August. We have enjoyed a quick trip over to Branson, a full week of VBS, volunteering in Bethel’s food pantry every week, and countless play dates. We are looking forward to a week long vacation (a first for us) at the beach in August. Summer has been flying by and I’m trying to hang on to each moment-God has been faithful to us and Life is Sweet!

This past Saturday I had the opportunity to attend a “Women Reaching Women” training event put on by Lifeway with 6 other ladies from Bethel who are deeply committed to our women’s mninistry. We had a great time traveling to Fort Smith  and spending the day with each other. When I got home and began to tell Brandon a few of the things I learned and what “impacted” me; he immiedately said “you need to blog your take-away’s” so here we go: my take-away’s-

Women’s Ministry isn’t about filling up the calender. I’m sure we have been guilty of planning events so we can say “were busy, were doing things, look at our calender”. We were challenged to consider the needs of the women in our church and seek to provide opportunities to meet those needs.

Involving the uninvolved is more about identifying real “felt needs” of women and being able to look past the percieved barriers to their involvement. Many times women may feel uncomfortable, shy, insecure and just need one person to personally invest in them, sit by them, call them during the week. Each week at Bethel there are more and more faces that are unfamiliar to me. This is hard and sometimes it’s easy just to say “well you can’t know everyone”, but I feel more convicted to invest a little more of myself into reaching out to those “unfamiliar” faces instead of gravitating to my “comfort” zone of girlfriends. Jesus Christ is in it-He consistantly reached out to people on the “fringe”!

Finally, the most important thing I can do to be an effective leader in women’s ministry is stay in the Word. We heard from an incredible woman of faith, Karen Doyel. Karen shared about digging deeper into the Word of God. She was inspiring, sharing her testimony of God’s faithfullness to her and her family. I so often get bogged down in the “study” of God’s word as if I’m reading a difficult textbook that I’m trying to decipher. Karen renewed the idea in me that God’s word is an ongoing conversation He is trying to have with ME! When Karen picks up her Bible she says “what”? What do you have to say to me Lord?

I love working with women. I’m excited about what God is doing at Bethel and the creative, committed women I get to serve alongside. But most importantly I’m ever reminded that I will struggle and fail to connect with women and draw them to the Heart of God, when I’m not daily in God’s Word, seeking the Father in prayer and being satisfied in Him alone! I struggle with confidence in this area of ministry; however I’m taking the Father at His word-

Being confident in this very thing, that He which has begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ.-Phillipians 1:6

Just thought I’d share my husbands blog and thoughts on infertility. He’s a awesome father and support to me and I thank God for him and his passion for being a spiritual leader in our home. I’m most thankful that he “gets it”! Worth the read!

Here’s the link.

On October 29 of last year our Ella began her journey and walk with the Lord when she made the decision to accept him as her Savior. Her life is forever changed by that choice and I rejoiced not only as her mother, but as a sister in Christ. Tomorrow Ella will be baptized. Her heart is tender towards the things of God, but she is anxious and fearful about being “dunked” under the water. Brandon has the blessed privelage of baptizing his baby girl, and I pray as Ella takes this step she will find comfort in her daddy’s arms and her Father’s faithfullness. Please pray for her-that she will be at peace. We keep reciting “what time I am afraid I will trust in thee”.

I reflect back tonight on the goodness of God to Ella. She has been a healthy child-O praise you father for protecting her small body-your mercy rains. She has a sound mind-well in fact-she’s brilliant! Our sweet friend Clint Puryear used to always say “she’s a genius”. Ella delights in school and in learning. She’s also very creative-constantly drawing/coloring and making things-we could fill rooms with her artwork. I pray Father she is a life long learner-not only to expand her mind, but especially a student of your Word. Help me father to teach her. I pray she finds creative ways to serve you in ministry. Ella is sweet to her friends. She has always been and continues to be extremely shy-still hiding behind my back when others speak to her; in spite of this she finds joy in her relationships with her little friends at church and school. I pray she will pursue you Father with a red hot passion-that she will never hide from you. Guide her relationships, Lord-lead her to others who seek to find your favor. One of Ella’s best qualities is her sweet nature. She laughs readily and is quick to show compassion and love. She’s not perfect, after all she is the product of man-sinful nature and all-but she has begun her walk with Christ and is growing in her knowledge of  Him. We are trying to train her up Father in the way she should go, when she is old may she not depart from it. Continue to make yourself known to her, protect her and comfort her. May her life bring only Honor and Glory to you. May I give her wholly to you!

“Great is the Lord and most worthy of praise; his greatness no one can fathom. One generation will commend your works to another; they will tell of your mighty acts”.  Psalms 145: 3-4