You might think that after waiting for some time to have more children that we would have a long list of names already to choose from. This is not the case. Dreaming of babies, and nurseries and names was simply too painful. I’m not a “cart before the horse” type girl-at least I haven’t been in this arena. So once we found out we were pregnant, we began to throw around a few ideas. Of course, Ella Grace, had plenty of opinions too. After we found out we were having a boy (yes a boy-I have a lot to learn about “little men”!) we began to get a little more serious about this challenge.

We have only considered one little boy name from the beginning. We would continue to throw out ideas and nothing “struck” our hearts the way this name had. We couldn’t get away from it, and therefore new that our son’s name would be – Samuel.

Brandon and I believe that a name carries great meaning. We named Ella after my precious Grandma Briggs. My grandma was one of the sweetest, loving women I have ever known. She loved unconditionally and delighted in her children and grandchildren. She loved her Lord and demonstrated a servant’s heart. Ella’s middle name is Grace. We wanted her name to be a constant reminder to us and her of God’s unmerited favor toward us-of His great gift of love. God showed us unbelievable grace when he gave us Ella.

Samuel means “asked of God”. If there was a name that meant “begged, pleaded, cried, and asked of God” we would probably go with that. But “asked of God” also summarizes our feelings. Of course in the Bible Hannah dealt with infertility and prayed before the Lord faithfully asking God for a child, promising to give that child back to the Lord. God heard her prayers and petitions as He has ours and gave her a son – she named him Samuel. This name and it’s meaning sits heavy within us as we feel the weight of God’s goodness to us. Samuel will never be “just a name” to us-but a constant reminder of God’s faithfulness.

In the Bible, Hannah did indeed give her child back to God and took him to Shiloh to the tabernacle where Eli, the High Priest, raised him. Samuel heard, heeded and followed the voice of God. Our prayer for our Samuel is that he will always listen for the voice of the Lord. We are beyond excited about what God has planned for this “little man”.

Samuel’s middle name will be David after my big brother who died when I was 15 years old. Since that time I have always known if I had a little boy I would want to remember my brother in this way. This is a popular idea in my family as we are expecting a new nephew-David Kirk-in February (my twin brother’s son). My mom and I have laughed over how “silly” my brother David would think it was that were naming our baby after him. I can just hear him laughing that “crazy” laugh of his, telling us to get a life and find our own name

Beyond simply honoring my big brother-the name David has greater significance for me. Through the last few years, I have clung to the verse from Job that says, “The Lord gave and the Lord hath taken away, blessed be the name of the Lord.” When we underwent our first pregnancy loss/ectopic pregnancy I felt like I had “lost” so much; our baby, part of my reproductive health, and my sweet Grandma Briggs died the same week-and due to my surgery I was unable to honor her life with the rest of my family. I remember standing in the shower, weeping and singing the praise song “he gives and takes away, he gives and takes away, and still my heart will say, blessed be your name”. The Lord has given Samuel David, the Lord took away my big brother David-and still I will say, Blessed be the name of the Lord!

After we found out it was a boy-we took Ella to “Build a Bear” and she made Samuel his first stuffed animal and named him “George”.

Okay, settle in-this is going to be a long post and it has been a long time coming. We announced a few weeks ago and have gradually been telling the world-were expecting a baby! I wanted to take the opportunity to give all the glory to our Lord for what He has done in our lives. I have shared in the past about our struggle to grow our family. We have been trying to have another child for the last 4 years. We have experienced loss and repeated disappointed and began pursuing fertility treatments in Tulsa over 2 years ago. while we have been hopeful that “modern medicine” could change our situation our “hope” has never been in the doctors or the treatments-our hope has been and remains in the Lord.

This past spring, Brandon and I began praying about moving forward with In- Vitro Fertilization. This was a scary prospect to us for many reasons: to emotionally invest ourselves in another fertility treatment, the physical toll for me, and the financial strain. As we prayed we began to feel a peace to move forward. As the summer approached we made the final decision and began the process. A few days before we were to begin the injections-I began to panic (unfortunately, I’m really good at second guessing myself and God). We decided to make a quick trip to St. Louis to visit my family to seek the godly council and comfort of my family. The first day of our visit, I alone in the house, began to pray and completely broke before the Lord. I was scared and anxious, and grieving over the very idea that I was having to make this decision. I very clearly told the Lord “if you were ever going to talk to me in an audible voice or send me a talking donkey, today is the day”!

I did not get my talking donkey-the Lord very clearly spoke to my heart in a much better way (although painful at first). That night as my family and I sat laughing and talking in the living room, my “older” sister began to cry-before she said anything I knew what she was going to say-she was very “suprisingly” pregnant and devastated for her little sis. Before I could fully process this shock-my mom gently told me that my sister-in-law was also expecting (and equally hurting for me) and they were due on the same day. “What? I said a talking donkey, not two pregnant sisters!”

My mom, sister and myself experienced a tough few hours that night, crying and holding each other. I love the way my family loves me. They are tender and compassionate and yet my mom is a real “truth” teller in my life. That night I wrote in my journal the verse from Psalms “I would have despaired had I not believed I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord, be of good courage, wait I say on the Lord.” God also reminded me very clearly, only the way a compassionate father could, “You don’t get to make these decisions, I am God and you are not”. Oh the sovreignty of God!

Brandon and I returned home, at peace with our decision to move forward with IVF. It’s important to know that we did not press on because we felt secure that this would work, we pressed on regardless of the outcome. One of the lessons we have learned on this journey is that it’s not always about the outcome (because there are no assurances)-its about our willingness to be obedient regardless of the outcome.

As we began the daily injections, many pills, and multiple trips to Tulsa, God was faithful to keep our hearts at peace. At one point during the process after returning from Tulsa where they checked my follicles to make sure I had “plenty” that were growing at the right rate-the office called and stated we needed to stop the cycle because my body was not responding the way it needed to. Here’s how good God is-I did not feel anxious. I calmly told them they were wrong. The nurse was compassionate and tried to “let me down easily”. I begged her to let us come back the next day and check me again-she relented. The next day, the doctor was shocked (we were not) I was fine and we would continue with the IVF cycle.

Let me share one more detail regarding our IVF journey. Our fertility center is very proficient at what they do-having said that-we were another number. They work with over 50 couples during each IVF cycle. On the day we returned to have our “embryo” babies transferred (put in the uterus)-God showed up in a very real way. As I lay in the operating room, I was very anxious. A nurse whom I had never met before was busy preparing things. She was humming a song and very cheerful. She walked over to me and sweetly laid her hands on my abdomen. She quietly began to pray for our embryo’s, for my womb, and for God’s blessing on our family. I of course wept, she closed her prayer, began to hum again and go about her work. Her only explanation for this unexpected “act” was “I know the doctor doesn’t always think of these things”. The very presence of God was in that operating room-I knew it was no coincidence that our paths crossed on that Saturday in Tulsa.

We found out two weeks later that God had heard our cries and answered our petition. We have had 3 ultrasounds and heard our precious baby’s heartbeat several times. We are now out of the first trimester and praising God each day for his goodness to us. We are undeserving and have committed to giving God glory for this gift every opportunity we have.

I am learning every day to depend on God. A verse from Isaiah says this, “I will give you the treasures of darkness and hidden riches of secret places, that you may know that I am God”. In darkness and in the secret places of my own heart God has shown himself to be true, faithful and full of mercy.

Pictures to come.

So here I am at 4:30 in the morning-unable to sleep. I tried watching some mindless television, then read a book, talked to the Lord and then surfed the web. I decided this could be a good opportunity to catch up on my blog. I must confess, I have been really bad at this. I apologize for those of you-who have waited daily for some new bit of wisdom imparted from this site (okay the only person who checks it is my mom) but nonetheless-I will try to catch you up on life these last few months.

Back in March I studied for and took the social work clinical exam. For those of you outside the field of social work-this is a big deal. It is the culmination of 6 years of college, 3 years post graduate school work, licensure as a master level social worker, and two years supervision of clinical work. I was not confident that I would pass this test-but grace abounds and here I am now an LCSW. What does this mean for my future and career? I don’t know. I feel that I’m currently having a “career crisis”. I have worked the past three years in the local community mental health center-and let me just say that it can be tough. The burn out rate in this profession is high and I’m feeling quite “toasty”. I’m praying about God’s direction in my career choices. I’ll post more later (I know your thinking “sure you will-like 6 months later”) on my passion as a social worker.

In April the Bethel Womens ministry hosted a retreat. Let me just say first off that we know how to “retreat” and have a great time. The theme of our retreat was “This is my Story”. Different women from our ministry team along with my mom (who came from St. Louis with my sister and their friends) shared personal stories of how God had worked in our lives. I shared the first night about my story being one of someone who was “waiting”. I spoke about Anna who waited her whole life for the redeemer and to proclaim his birth. I shared our struggle with growing our family and the pain of loss and “waiting” on God to answer our prayers. Sharing with these ladies was difficult for me-being vulnerable and putting myself out there-but God is so faithful and I walked away feeling satisfied that I had honored him and that my loss and pain had purpose because I was able to Glorify my Father. A special gift was hearing my mom share her story. My mom has faced much adversity and more than her share of grief and loss-but she has lived the life of one who truly trusts her Lord. Her story is a post all of it’s own-I’ll get to that one too-very soon!

When I originally started writing this blog-part of my intention was to chronicle our journey to grow our family as Brandon and I deal with secondary infertility. I had read many blogs of women going through this same battle and was encouraged by their thoughts, feelings and openness. I must confess that right now I’m just not in a place to do that. I’m not sure why-may be it is self protection-but I (we) feel fiercely private right now about where we are. I will say that we are still praying and seeking God’s will for our family-we are still seeking the wisdom of our reproductive endocrinologist, and we are still “waiting”. We covet the prayers of God’s people for us-and you can pray with the assurance that He knows exactly where were at and what we need.

Ella finished the 1st grade-with straight A’s at that. She is growing up way too fast. I have prayed for so long that she would have more confidence and all of a sudden she now appears to be a little braver and more independent. It’s an answer to prayer-but at the same time difficult to see her growing up and needing me less. Oh the irony of motherhood. Your goal is to help them grow, feel safe enough for independence and yet your heart wants to hold them close and pray that time stands still.

It is now summer time and I have the privilege of being off for the summer and spending the days with Ella. We have a lot of fun-we try to go to the water park weekly; we build forts in the living room; yesterday we got out the Easy Bake Oven and she whipped up some sugar cookies. Brandon seems to enjoy the slower pace of the summer and my ability to cook more, clean more and in general my not asking for so much of his assistance with these things. I must admit I enjoy having the time to take care of he and Ella without the stress of a full time job. Makes it awfully difficult to go back to work come August. We have enjoyed a quick trip over to Branson, a full week of VBS, volunteering in Bethel’s food pantry every week, and countless play dates. We are looking forward to a week long vacation (a first for us) at the beach in August. Summer has been flying by and I’m trying to hang on to each moment-God has been faithful to us and Life is Sweet!

Brandon and I began trying to have our first child in 2001. We struggled for many months and one day in October we recieved some really bad news from our OBGYN regarding our fertility “health”-we were devastated. That same night we went over to Robin and Kevin’s house (Brandon’s brother and his wife) – we, along with Brandon’s parents, were invited over so they could tell us that -SUPRISE- they were having a baby! Robin and Kevin love us dearly and we’re equally crazy about them. They were compassionate and loving to us and while we were hurting. We couldn’t help rejoice in God’s gift to them.

A few short weeks later we would find out we too were expecting a precious baby. Robin and I enjoyed being pregnant together, but I’m sure neither one of us knew what God had in store for us! Emma was born in April and Ella was born in July, three months apart. “Emma and Ella,” it doesn’t get much sweeter than that (well throw in a little Carter and it gets a lot sweeter)! This past weekend, Robin and Kevin and kids traveled down to see us – a sacrifice in and of itself! The relationship that Ella and Emma enjoy is a rare find. They play together like no one else. They don’t fuss or get “tired” of each other. They demonstrate such love for each other and knowing that this was God’s plan all along is sweet confirmation of His love to our families! Carter is three and he is an absolute “cuddle bug”. He loves on his Aunt Angie, even though we only get to see each other a few times a year. I love him… A LOT!

Here are a few pics of these sweet cousins!

Just thought I’d share my husbands blog and thoughts on infertility. He’s a awesome father and support to me and I thank God for him and his passion for being a spiritual leader in our home. I’m most thankful that he “gets it”! Worth the read!

Here’s the link.

Well yesterday afternoon in Northwest Arkansas it began to “ice” and it has not stopped yet. We are covered in ice-it almost looks like snow-but don’t be fooled-its the hard stuff. Of course I was super excited yesterday at the prospect of school being out and being “shut in” for a day-but I believe I got more than I bargained for-we may be shut in for a few days. Many around here are without power and heat-were thankful we still have electricity.

This present state of nature reminds me of one of my favorite songs entitled “Every Season” by Nicole Nordeman. The song describes how our journey in this life with the Lord is constantly changing. Our experiences with infertility have left me feeling stuck in a perpetual state of winter. Frozen and dead-with no new growth or life. Christ’s nature proves that even in death new life can enter-and just like winter melts away and spring brings forth new life-this season in our lives will pass and Christ’s purpose will be revealed. Here is the ending of this great song-

And everything in time and under heaven
Finally falls asleep
Wrapped in blankets white, all creation
Shivers underneath
And still I notice you
When branches crack
And in my breath on frosted glass
Even now in death, You open doors for life to enter
You are winter

And everything that’s new has bravely surfaced
Teaching us to breathe
What was frozen through is newly purposed
Turning all things green
So it is with You
And how You make me new
With every season’s change
And so it will be
As You are re-creating me
Summer, autumn, winter, spring

Stay warm my friends, enjoy the wonder of God’s creation-blanketed in ice, curl up by the fire and reflect on the sweetness of God!

On October 29 of last year our Ella began her journey and walk with the Lord when she made the decision to accept him as her Savior. Her life is forever changed by that choice and I rejoiced not only as her mother, but as a sister in Christ. Tomorrow Ella will be baptized. Her heart is tender towards the things of God, but she is anxious and fearful about being “dunked” under the water. Brandon has the blessed privelage of baptizing his baby girl, and I pray as Ella takes this step she will find comfort in her daddy’s arms and her Father’s faithfullness. Please pray for her-that she will be at peace. We keep reciting “what time I am afraid I will trust in thee”.

I reflect back tonight on the goodness of God to Ella. She has been a healthy child-O praise you father for protecting her small body-your mercy rains. She has a sound mind-well in fact-she’s brilliant! Our sweet friend Clint Puryear used to always say “she’s a genius”. Ella delights in school and in learning. She’s also very creative-constantly drawing/coloring and making things-we could fill rooms with her artwork. I pray Father she is a life long learner-not only to expand her mind, but especially a student of your Word. Help me father to teach her. I pray she finds creative ways to serve you in ministry. Ella is sweet to her friends. She has always been and continues to be extremely shy-still hiding behind my back when others speak to her; in spite of this she finds joy in her relationships with her little friends at church and school. I pray she will pursue you Father with a red hot passion-that she will never hide from you. Guide her relationships, Lord-lead her to others who seek to find your favor. One of Ella’s best qualities is her sweet nature. She laughs readily and is quick to show compassion and love. She’s not perfect, after all she is the product of man-sinful nature and all-but she has begun her walk with Christ and is growing in her knowledge of  Him. We are trying to train her up Father in the way she should go, when she is old may she not depart from it. Continue to make yourself known to her, protect her and comfort her. May her life bring only Honor and Glory to you. May I give her wholly to you!

“Great is the Lord and most worthy of praise; his greatness no one can fathom. One generation will commend your works to another; they will tell of your mighty acts”.  Psalms 145: 3-4

I am usually super prompt about taking down the Christmas tree after the Holiday’s. I usually wait till after New Years day and then all the Christmas decor is packed back up until the next year; however, this year I’m struggling to tear it all down. I’m not sure if its out of business, laziness or my affection for lighted faux pine but I’m just not ready.

I didn’t post over the Holiday-mostly because I’m so new to this I kinda forgot I had a blog-and because we were kinda busy. We traveled back to Missouri to my folks house and had a great time with Ella’s Nana and Papa and my sister and her family.  My mom goes out of her way to make the holiday’s magical for everyone.  Brandon and I even got to sneak away to see a movie as we had “free” babysitters!

The new year is now upon us. Brandon and I have come to the end of another year where little has changed in our quest to “grow” our family. This past spring we dealt with another heartbreaking loss when I miscarried. We underwent continued fertility treatment with no success and struggled to know what the next step should be. God’s great gift to us in times of despair has always been and continues to be-HOPE!

We can begin this new year with a renewed hope and zeal that God will answer our prayers-maybe not in the way we have planned-but we can rest assured that His purposes will be fulfilled and that our “light affliction” is only for a moment and God will receive the Glory!

I’ll post more about Christmas (pictures included) at a later date.

Happy New year!

Let me just start out by saying I love my friends! Since moving to Bentonville almost three years ago, God has blessed us with amazing friends. We have close friends that we are able to spend countless hours with and not get on each other’s nerves. Our children play great together and we are like minded in our committment to Christ. It’s a beautiful thing!

This weekend we took a short “jaunt” over to Branson with the Chadd family for some fun and relaxation. We spent Friday night at Silver Dollar City, looking at all the lights. Brandon even rode a roller coaster (not really-”fire in the hole” is only considered a roller coaster by 5 year old’s and Brandon). That night Terri and I closed down Kohl’s at midnight and the next day we continued our Christmas shopping. It was an enjoyable weekend.

Here are some pics of our short but sweet weekend in the Ozarks.

Some time ago, my tech savvy husband, obtained this domain name for me and set up this blog. He has great confidence that I have wisdom to impart across the world wide web. I’m not sure I agree with him, but felt it could be a great outlet and positive way to share with friends and family the “goings on” of the Cox household.

I thought Thanksgiving day would be a great “first post” to focus on the goodness of God in our lives. We are spending this holiday in St. Louis with my family and heading off to rural Missouri to spend the day with the Briggs family (my mom’s side of the family). We started this tradition two years ago after my Grandma Briggs passed away and wanted to honor her life by cotinuing to come together and love each other. This Thanksgiving also marks two years since our ectopic pregnancy and our struggle with infertility. I would not have guessed two years ago that we would still be at this place and yet am able to find amazing peace with where God has led us.

I am thankful for the Father’s continued faithfulness in our lives. I’m thankful for my sweet daughter, Ella Grace. I’m thankful for a wonderful godly husband. I hope through this blog to share our struggles through infertility, our journey in ministry (at Bethel Church), joys from our family and life, but most importantly to focus on the goodness of God and give glory and honor to Him.

“The Lord has done great things for us and we are filled with Joy” Psalm 126:3